Complex situiation

i dont know anymore

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 13:01:17 +0200

Sorry its been a while..

My head is in about 5 places at once right now. I dont know how to feel about anyone. I feel like my past is coming to haunt me, and the most frustrating past? I arent in the wrong, its a part of my past that wronged me, which is still trying to get back into my life and fuck my head up once again. As much as i am determined to block it out, it isnt working. Its the strangest feeling of contemplation.. you think that all is said and done and finished with, but you dont reallise that actually, its still there, you just decide to block it out.

I need someone here for me, but then again, i dont want people involved, i dont want to put suffering on other people. I want closure on the situation, but it isnt happening. I guess i just want to know what i want, because as much as i am on top of the world right now, untill i know exactly what i want, its hard for me to grasp it.

Laura X

Comments

pointless!

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:50:32 +0200

But here are lots of random facts about me that probably not many people knew. I got bored.

- i sleep on the right side of the bed
- i used to own two gerbils, they never had names and tried to commit suicide
- i really want to be able to puurrr!
- id much rather get drunk off alcopops
- the most violent dream i have had was getting my ex boyfriend put in prison, i dont usually think bad thoughts about people, honestly!
- i haaate the feel of sandpaper, it makes me shivver
- when im on holiday i never go to the beach i use the hotel pool, i dont like sand
- i look at my watch too much
- i like listning to music noone has ever heared of
- for a period of about 5 years, i didnt eat and chocolate what so ever
- i wish i was a straight A student, but i arent far off ;-)
- i think abba were actually the most annoying band ever created
- i used to do latin american dance, and i had a really bright pink dress, i wish i still did it
- molly wants to turn me into a doll
- i went through a stage of being completely addicted to noodles, i could have honestly lived off them
- im a complete scrooge with my money
- im a tit, according to molly
- i wish i had a french accent, and i love american accents on boys (L)
- i run to angerfist and nothing else
- i want to do the following before i die
ski
swim with dolphins
see the wonders of the world
have sex somewhere origional
dance in front of a croud of 5,000
change someones life
get a croud to perform a dance i created
- i have a scar on my knee
- i watched the ring when i was 12 and it still scares me, no other films do.
- i would happily do keira knightly
- i play the acoustic badly
- im pretty much obsessed with my stomach, i think a flat stomach is beautiful and nothing less
- franz ferdinand has been my favourite band since i was about 11, and always will be
- i could eat fruit and crisps forever
- i very very rarely forgive anyone, i just forget
- i absolutely hate people copying me, i actually feel like punching them when they do
- i dont do one night stands, i think they'd just be demeaning and i know im better than that
- i dont know if im ever going to get married and past relationships have shown me that i honestly dont think theres a "one"
- i believe in karma strongly
- i used to go to gymnastics and regret ever quitting
- i can get so paranoid you wouldnt believe

Comments

love is an overused word

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:52:18 +0200

Here we go again...

And it seems like everything has settled, for now at lest. Dont get me wrong, there is always the thought in the back of my mind that things could change again, but right now, everything seems exactly like it was a few months ago, which is such a good thing. Ive been through quite a lot in the last few weeks, ive fallen out with some of my closest friends, been completely blanked by someone in my family i was desperately trying to get in touch with, and lost my boyfriend. One week without him made me realise what he is to me. He and i both realised how much we mean to each other, how much we need each other, and now, this second time, i want this to work.

I dont go back on my word, ever. Im still so in love with tom, i have been since october last year. When we went on a break for a week it was the stragest feeling ever. Being so close to someone, for nine whole months, knowing everything they did on a daily basis, found out how they were, spent as much time as possible together, never argued. And then we went on a break and it was all gone, no endless phonecalls, no texts to see how i was or what time to meet up, no meeting up and just hanging out, no contact. It was surreal. For some reason i ended up going out loads, and so did he actually. I ended up drinking more and more untill i got to the stage where everything was a blur and it took away some of the pain for a few hours, although he was always there at the back of my mind, even though i knew he shouldnt be, we could have quite easily never got back together. I talked to so many people who said "you can do better" but i beg to differ, as much as me and tom are complete opposites, we like totally different things, disagree about things from morals to film quotes, its perfect. I felt lost without him, thats the thing with love you see, once its there it hurts like a bitch when it could all be lost.

The smile painted onto your face for hours on end, for no reason,
The look in a mans eyes just after he's been shot through the heart,
The lust you give into when your alone with them,
The pain of not having something you crave, like withdrawal symptoms from a drug,
The look in thier eyes when they see you and you see them, the sparkle they give you,
The anger and jealousy towards other people they spend time with,
The comfort of being in thier arms, feeling at home and yourself,
Pain and happiness congealed into one, shown through everything, your smile, your laughter, your tears, your stance, your walk, your eyes...
Thats love.

Comments

better than them

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:26:54 +0200

I may be young and that may seem like i may be naive. I have a lot to learn and experience in life, and right now im having what people could see as a breakthrough in the way im looking at things, ive become a stronger person over the past few weeks and i know im just going to keep getting stronger, at the end of the day, whoever messes me about, dont deserve me.

This may sound like such a big headed egotistical post but its how i feel right now, and i belive its how everyone should be able to feel, and if they dont, i believe theyve got to sit back and think a lot more about themselves. I honestly know that, as a human being, im as honest to myself right now as i could be. I know that when i do something good for someone, i mean it, and even though you might not get something in return i know that it benefitted the person i helped. I believe ive helped someone a lot recently. And you know what? They through it back in my face. As i said in my last blog, people dont live up to expectations, and neither does love. Ive realised over these past few weeks, that i can be a lot stonger than people think, also that people can hurt me so much without realising it. But i now know that im better than that. Anyone who does something diliberately to hurt or upset anyone, isnt worth that persons bother. That person is better than the one who upsets them. And im glad ive completely realised that. I know it'l save me so much bother from now on. I have friends and family in my life that mean the complete world to me and i cant describe how much i would do for them, and right now, im concentrating on them, not on the people who dont matter.

Comments

I need...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:00:44 +0200

...someone who would come running if i was upset at three in the morning
who would surprise me with notes written to me they'd hide in my bag for me to find later
who would call me up if there was the slightest feeling there was something wrong
who would realise when something was wrong
who would sympathise with me and admit when they are wrong
who would tell me the complete truth
who would do as much for me as i would then,
people dont live up to expectations.

Comments

Follow up

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:29:26 +0200

Bit of a follow up to my last blog...

thankyou to those who commented the last one, its nice to know people can actually relate to me and it means a lot, i didnt really know where this blog would go to be honest, and if anyone would actually read it, but its nice to know im not the only one who's felt like that. i know one of the comments said you wanted to know more about exactly what my last blog was about, but i dont think il be able to explain it fully, due to the fact im easily recognisable from here and i dont need everyone in my life reading it and knowing everything, i just want to be able to relate to other people's situations in life.

okay so basically, i still have a lot on my mind right now, school will be finishing in a week or so, id love to go and find a job to get a bit of extra money over the holidays but theres always that one situation at the back of my mind like a plague right now.

as much as ive tried to confront people about it, i still feel like im being played a fool, stabbed in the back, and i dont always believe that the people who i ask the questions to, are being genuinely honest to me. I feel like sometimes they play mind games with me, and my friends who ive spoken to feel the same too, its hard to trust people these days.

Like i said last time, as ive been going through life as a teenager, ive learnt to build up walls around myself to keep my emotions protected, but this also means i find it hard to open up to people and show my honest emotions sometimes. Its hard for me to find a balence. I guess i have some more thinking to do. About who is actually a good influence for me, and again, who to trust.

These last few days have been quite surreal to be honest, i may have still been the bubbly happy me but in my mind ive been observing and studying people and what they're actually trying to achieve by making me feel a fool, and i cant place my finger on it, but all i know is that they, intentionally, are trying to get me annoyed, jealous and agrevated, because of thier hunger for power. They show love for me, and then treat me like nothing, worthless.

I need to decide what is best for me. And mainly, who.

Comments

Insecurity

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:58:31 +0200

Having a bit of a hard time right now, figuring out things and deciding weather im being naive believing some people.

I feel like im being taken for a fool right now, but the most frustrating thing is i dont know if im just being paranoid. I wish there was no such thing as lies or secrecy. I wish everything that everyone said was the absolute truth, be it bad or good, then everyone would get used to it. But the worst feeling, one which im feeling right now is the feeling of being left in the dark. How do i know who to trust? How do i know what people are saying behind my back? These past few days ive been feeling quite introverted, some people mistake this for being arrogant sometimes, but believe me it isnt. Im sitting back and figuring a few things out right now, and deciding who to trust, but you know what ive found out so far? You cant trust a single soul apart from yourself. As much as people say theyre open about everything and couldnt care what people think about them, i beg to differ. For me, im always going to have walls up around me, and its to keep me safe from being betrayed, from feeling used. So if i havent been fully myself lately, its because ive had, and have a lot of thinking to do. Im not going to make the mistake of being treated the fool so theres some things im contemplating in my head right now, i just need the truth and thats it. Im just hoping the outcome is a positive one.

Laura x

Comments

Blood is thicker than water

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:57:15 +0200

Ok this is the first blog ive ever written here, to be honest i dont care what you think of it, its a way of expressing myself and getting my ideas across to other people, its about real life, my realisations, the things that shape me and mould me into hopefully the good person i want to be...

I had a really meaningfull conversation last night, quite possibly the most meaning full conversation ive ever had, and it was with my grandma. It made me learn about how much ive disrespected and disregarded my family, and how foolish ive been. I found out so much yesterday about so many things about my family that i never knew about, so many secrets ive waited 15 years to find out. I was so emotional i felt like i'd end up bursting into tears, which was a surreal feeling ive never felt before infront of my two grandma's, it felt like i was finally old enough to be a real part of thier life and be on thier level.

Ok, people say friends are the family you've picked yourself...

But family are the only ones who have unconditional love for you. And i learnt that yesterday. Theyre the only people who you can try to believe and trust, the only people who've given you unconditional love, no matter what you've done, no matter whats happened in your life, and they'l love you for the rest of thier lives. I took my family for granted, and never really apprieciated what theyve given me, but Ive learnt to finally appreciate my family, especially the women in my family, as i never knew what kind of a life they had actually had. It was such a strange feeling, but most deffinitely the closest ive ever felt to them. I wouldnt know what to say to express my gratitude towards them, so i thought id write it here. I treasured that hour or two so much, i dont think il ever forget it. I may only still be young but they've shown me so much about the world, that it isnt all a bed of roses but life is about compromise and making the most of what you have here and now, life is about being optimistic, because if you fail to be that then everything will come crumbling down. I know i havent shown them as much love as i should, and i now know i need to change that. Im trying to get in contact with cousins i havent spoken to in years and months, and cousins i never even knew i had untill yesterday, because at the end of the day, blood runs thicker than water. Family are there through anything, and im glad ive realised that.

Comments